‘Conflicts: windows for change’

I think it was in a book by the Vietnamese Zenbuddhist Thich Nhat that I once read: ‘You cannot grow a lotus on marble.‘ Mud, mindfully attending to the gardeing process and a good pile of cow dung now and again help create the conditions for enjoying beautiful flowers later on.

Conflicts are an indispensable partof our lives. How we handle them can be a potential for personal growth and committed relationships just like manure can be beneficial for the garden.

Sometimes the only way out of a conflict seems to be giving up or giving in. Or we end a conflict by forcing a solution. And then there is stand-off or compromise: None of the people involved give way, or both give in.
All of these solutions have a side-effect: when giving up, giving in or forcing our way, we run the risk of damaging the connection with the other person(s). We are so consumed by the idea of getting rid of conflict as being 'bad', that we lose sight of the fact that we apparently share something with the other. When we ‘solve‘ or get rid of a conflict, the operation has been successfull, but the patient has died or gone into a coma…

This training is meant to facilitate learning for people who

… are tired of getting stuck in the same conflicts over and over;

… often get into arguments with the same people on different topics;

… are looking for alternatives for fighting (or forcing) or fleeing (or giving up;

… would like to learn to use conflicts to benefit (working-)relations.

Some of the excercises are done individually, others take place in small groups. We will be using Nonviolent Communication™ (NVC). NVC has been developed by Marshall Rosenberg. It uses clear observations, feelings, needs and positive action requests to stay connected to ourselves and the people we live and work with. We often use words that prolong domination structures and patterns of guild, shame, oppression, punishments and rewards. We can also use words differently - then language becomes a tool to take responsability for our needs and compassionately give to others what they ask for to meet their needs. Thus we can focus on enriching our lives and celebrating it, in stead of staying stuck in damagecontrol and fighting our way through the day for survival. This is ‘nonviolence‘ in a practical way.

We will also be working with some 'psychophysical' excercises: excercises that help us experience directly how we deal with tension and relaxation, pressure, trust, presence, focus, awareness etc. These excercises mainly derive from Aikido, helping us to experience things that are often verbally expressed. Language is a tool for expression and connection, but research shows that only asmall part of our communication actually takes place through the use of the word. Other, non-verbal signals are quite influential. We hit the table during a lively conversation or lightly touch the person we're with. We are only partly conscious of the effect of these non-verbal signals. This is hardly surprising when we realize that most of our behaviour takes places unconsciously. Becoming aware and being mindful of our body and the signals it sends and receives enhances the way we connect to others.

Practical information